Lori's Journal

1:31pm: I have been feeling so tired, irritable, and out of it lately. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of the weather, my job, and the fact that during the entire month of December I ate, drank, and smoked pretty much everything that I'm not supposed to. My liver has been begging me for mercy, so a few days ago I started to get back on track. I'm already feeling a little better.

My job is still annoying, but since I will be working there much longer than I originally planned, I have been letting myself get to know my coworkers, most of whom are very cool, and have been feeling happier about being there. I had my review and a little raise, so that helped.

I've been working on our budget and kind of enjoying that. We want to go to Hawaii this year for sure, and either Burning Man or Europe. Not sure if both of those would happen this year, financially we could probably pull it off but getting time off from work is harder. I really, really want to go to Burning Man again, if not this year then next year for sure.

2010 is going to be the year that I let go of the past, stop apologizing for wanting the things that I want, and to travel as much as possible.

11:22am: How do people remember what they did on New Year's Eve 1999? I have been trying really hard to remember and I just don't. I was dating Andrew then, and I was 21, so it's safe to assume that copious amounts of alcohol and weed were involved, which is probably why I don't remember. It's likely that my lifelong love of substances has clouded my memory, but that's just fine by me.

I realized lately, just now actually, that I am not a nostalgic person. I think about the past a lot, but that's because I am working through issues, not because I want to go back in time or be younger again. I can't stand to see pictures of myself from my late teens and early twenties, because that cheerful baby face was a mask hiding excruciating confusion and fear. I have no desire to return to that double life. I joke about being old and pretending I'm younger, but really every day I am happy to have more distance between myself and the misguided disaster I used to be.

Time has been nothing but good for me. Maybe I need to lighten up and not worry so much about the future.

8:07am: Well, it's Christmas Eve, and even though I have to work I'm in a pretty good mood. There are a few reasons for this. One, I've adopted (meaning: mostly I am still faking it) a more positive attitude toward Christmas and my customers. I've tried to be more Christ-like (kind, caring, forgiving) when dealing with my customers, along with pretending that helping them really is important to me, and unsurprisingly perhaps, I have been more cheerful at work. Two, I badly wanted a real tree this year but decided against it because I just felt like it would be more annoying work to do. But then the trees at work went 75% off and so I got a 3' tree for 5 dollars. I brought it home and Cole wrestled it into the tree stand and the cats have been stalking it ever since. Three, I was able to squeeze in my Second Annual Making Christmas Cookies With Angela Day, and that was really fun. Four, we are having our First Annual Drunken Christmas Eve With Bev and that will also be really fun.

Five, I have been smoking a fuckton of weed. You all knew that was the real answer, right?

I was going to write about more stuff but now I have to leave for work. I can't muster up a "Merry Christmas," so how about a "I'll buy you a drink when this is all over."

11:17pm: I have been trying to be more pleasant and cheerful lately, which is why I have not been on LJ complaining loudly about everything. I have wanted to, oh yes I have, and since I have been good and have avoided coming to my journal and ranting about every horrible moment of my horrible work days, I am rewarding myself with a little rant here about my favorite subject: bad parents.

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5:04pm: Isn't it funny how something small and completely insignificant can turn around an otherwise totally shitty day? (And isn't the number of adjectives I use just absolutely extravagant?)

The story: A couple of weeks ago, I placed an order with Clinique.com. I decided to order through the website rather than buy in-store because they had free shipping and a free silver tote bag for orders over a certain amount. Of course it was silly to be enticed by the silver tote bag, but then I am a silly person who is easily lured by free shiny things.

My order arrived without the tote bag, which was disappointing, but since I wasn't sure I had remembered to enter the promotional code during my order I shrugged it off. However, a few days after receiving my order I was sent a survey questionnaire and filled it out, mentioning that I was bummed about not getting the tote but possibly didn't enter the code so no big deal.

Just now I received an email from them apologizing for the inconvenience... and they are sending me the tote bag! I feel kind of dumb for 1) even mentioning that I didn't get the tote in the first place since it is very likely I just forgot to use the code and 2) being so incredibly excited that something went right today, even something as trivial as a free silver tote bag.

Because... today really sucked. I can't explain it exactly, just everything was several times harder than it needed to be, every minor annoyance that came my way was unbearable, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole and never come out. I left work early, because every glittery, sweatshop-produced Christmas ornament I rang up brought tears to my eyes, and I think I pulled a muscle trying not to roll my eyes at some lady who was being irritating in some way that I can't remember now. Today was just hard. I bumped into, dropped, misplaced, misunderstood, stepped in or hated just about everything today.

But now everything is OK because I will have a free silver tote! That was also probably made in a sweatshop but I DON'T CARE. Nobody else gives a shit about exploitative mass-produced merchandise so NEITHER DO I. I'm going to enjoy it, guilt-free, just like every other person in the (first) world does. Because, truly, I can not just cry every time somebody is enslaved by a Western company.

Oh jesus I need to end this post now.

12:27pm: Since starting my job I have been paying extra attention to our finances and tracking our expenses very carefully. Technically, we get by just fine on Cole's salary, but then there isn't much left over for larger expenses like traveling, car repairs, and alcohol. Ideally, I will work long enough to pay off my student loan, thus freeing up $250/month to put in savings. This is my plan for now... we'll see.

I am kind of dreading Thanksgiving. Cole's mom and her partner are coming up for the day, and I am making pot roast, two vegetable sides, and possibly a pumpkin cheesecake. I've never made a turkey, and I've decided not to experiment on this occasion. There has been a lot of tension lately, and I am hoping that it doesn't blow up at me. If it goes well, great. If not, most likely we will be spending our future holidays alone or with less dramatic people.

Ah, holidays. What would we do without them? Oh, that's right, we'd be peaceful and happy...

6:38am: I've been awake since 4:30. I decided to get up before I fell asleep again, because trying to wake myself up after a couple of hours never goes well.

So since I'm awake, I decided to make a list of the worst things I have had to do at my past jobs, to show myself that my new job really isn't that bad.

1) Putting up the fence at Home Depot. Every morning we had to take down an 8" chain link fence around the lawnmowers and barbecues, and every night we had to reassemble it. It was in big squares and we had to drag out each square from behind the store, prop it up until someone else brought the next square, and link them together with a totally useless chain. It may not sound that bad but it was a grueling tetanus deathtrap and annoying as hell. Every day I would be getting ready for work, thinking, "God I hate that fucking fence" and gritting my teeth. There is nothing nearly that bad at my current job.

2) Fielding calls from the family and friends of passengers on the flight that crashed when I worked for Alaska Airlines (flight 261). Thank Jesus I never have to do anything like that again.

3) Touching filthy children's filthy feet at Nordstrom. To be honest, it didn't really bother me that much, but I got more colds and viruses when I worked there than at any other time in my life. But then, I also smoked more at that time, so who can say. At my current job I have yet to get sick, even though all of my coworkers are passing around a(n imaginary) flu.

4) Being cooped up with annoying clients for an hour or more as a massage therapist. Now, most of my clients were straight-up awesome, but there were clients who really pushed my buttons and I would dread being stuck with them for a whole hour AND HAVING TO TOUCH THEIR BARE SKIN. Turns out I prefer to touch people I like. Weird, I know.

5) Changing out the grease in the fryers in the Safeway Deli. Every item of work clothing I owned smelled like rancid grease. Ugh.

I'm sure there are more things but I kind of get the point now. What's the worst thing you've ever had to do at a job?

9:46am: I woke up at 3:30 this morning and could not get back to sleep. My mind began to run in certain circles and at six I gave up and got out of bed. I have to leave for work in thirty minutes and I am dreading today. I'm not feeling tired, just a little unstable. The last few days at work have been crazy and everyone has been cranky and the customers have just been weird. I am really hoping for a normal, uneventful day so I can come home and hide under the bed.

I don't think that my job and I are a good match. I don't really want to get into it but I just don't fit in there, and while my managers seem to like me and I like them, I am not used to having such a limited set of responsibilities and it is really frustrating at times. There is a possibility that I will have another, more interesting task assigned to me soon but I am not holding my breath. I am planning to stick it out through the holidays at least.

Speaking of holidays, I kind of feel like skipping them this year. We aren't doing anything for Halloween, instead we are spending the day at Cole's mom's to celebrate his birthday, which was yesterday. I'm happy about that because we haven't seen his mom in several months, but I'm also a little nervous because we will probably discuss holiday plans and I'm not sure what that will be like after our little war last year.

I just noticed that under the window there is a wide stripe of dirty little paw prints. Add that to the long list of chores that will probably never get done.

I was hoping to have something cheerful to post about but grump, grump, grump. Something about working at a job I don't enjoy to make 1/4th the pay of my husband kind of sucks away my ability to enjoy life. Not that I feel competitive with Cole at all, I just wish I were a better steward of our money so that I wouldn't have had to return to work. Ah, well, at least now I feel much more strongly that school is very important!

1:54pm: Oh boy what a week. My poor husband has been sick since Tuesday, with a fever of about 102 most of the time. He seems to be on the mend now though.

Between work, looking after Cole and trying to keep up with our healthy cooking (and kitchen clean up) I am about five seconds away from the fetal position. I think I am also probably trying to fight off whatever Cole has, which contributes to the bone-tired feeling. I am basically good for nothing right now. We had Totino's pizza for dinner last night. Oh, God, I'm so ashamed.

I am trying to summon the energy to get on with my day, but I'm telling you it took me forty-five minutes to write this post. At one point I wasn't sure I was spelling "nothing" right. Maybe I should take a nap...

8:30am: As most of my friends slip into their lack-of-sun doldrums, I am becoming increasingly chipper. I love rain! I love wind! I love the leaves falling from the trees! I love how it's dark when I get up at seven in the morning and dark when I get home from work! OK, so I don't love that last part so much, but it does have a certain romantic Bronte quality to it. Or so I tell myself.

My new job is making me kind of miserable. I'm not used to being the most pro-corporate person in the group (although it was kind of like that in massage school too) and that makes me feel uncomfortably grown-up. I'm just plugging along though, if we can get a good amount of money put into savings then I won't have to work there much past the holidays.

We can pick up our car today!!! No more bus riding, yay! I want to ride the bus, I really do, but unfortunately I really just hate it. I hate waiting for it, I hate spending an hour and a half in transit for what is a twenty-minute drive, I hate everything about it. So after today I won't have to do it anymore! Hooray! I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something car-related. I don't think I was even this excited about winning the Jeep, all those many years ago. Of course I was a sulky young adult then and not terribly excited about anything. I'm still kind of sulky, generally speaking. It's just my nature.

Why am I so voluble at 8:30 in the morning? Oh, that's right, I have to get up so early now that I can't sleep in on my days off. So, wide awake and chatty, I have to converse with the internet to avoid annoying my non-morning-person husband. Last night I spent an hour telling him alternately about work and that I didn't want to talk about work. I talk non-stop these days. Maybe I am bipolar after all.

2:49pm: I had a really nice, lazy day yesterday. I laid on the couch and read Villette pretty much all day. Today I am attempting to catch up on housework, particularly the more grisly tasks like mopping the kitchen floor and cleaning out the fridge. I also have a pile of mail to sort and shred and some laundry to put away.

Last winter, we had some pretty obscene power bills. To (hopefully) prevent that this year, we are doing a few different things. 1) Moving our entertainment into the office. Our computers and possibly the TV, along with my chaise lounge, will fit in the office, and this will enable us to heat a smaller space when we're at home, instead of the giant cavern that is the front of our apartment. 2) We are also going to get some thermal curtains for every room in the house. I don't know if these really work, so if you have experience with these or with any other devices to keep old windows from being too drafty, I would love to hear about it. 3) Try to reduce our power usage in other ways, like hanging clothes up to dry instead of using the dryer and remembering to turn off the computer and stuff when we leave.

Also, I need to put together a snowstorm survival kit, complete with firewood, alcohol, and hot cocoa so we don't have to sludge our way through eighteen inches of snow every time we get hungry. Snow boots! That's what else we need. And a sled.

9:17am: In my last post talking about how work was kicking my ass, I failed to mention how much ass I am kicking at work. The reason for this is that by some weird twist of fate, I am working in an environment where I am the most conscientious, type-A person working there. My position is officially "cashier" but it entails all the tasks related to the front end of the store, helping people find stuff, checking in inventory, merchandising things, cleaning, stocking, etc. It's basically the job description of every job I've ever had, with the added bonus of not being a corporate environment so there are no sales stats, no scripted lines, no commission, no pressure, and no real oversight.

So initially, I was pleased. I can just talk to customers? Without worrying that someone is listening to tell me if I'm using the correct verbiage? Without worrying that I'm wasting my time on someone who isn't going to spend enough money to keep my average sale in the right range? Without the crushing sense of injustice when they leave buying nothing and then they return the following day and buy it from someone else? AWESOME!

But something was not adding up. I could not figure out why, in such a low-stress, laid-back store, all of the other cashiers are jaded and grumpy. When they are asked to price something, they heave a heavy sigh and price as slowly as they can, radiating discontent all the while. When a customer asks them where something is, they visibly restrain themselves from rolling their eyes and expend the least amount of energy possible to explain the whereabouts of the item. There is a "flu" going around amongst, oddly enough, only the cashiers of the store, and I have been told it has been going around for over a month. Cashiers have been calling in sick every three or four days, seemingly unable to kick this horrible death flu. It is just sooo very strange how it is only the same four cashiers who have this flu, and in the month that it has been in our store no one else has become infected, and how they seem to be over it but then, oh no! it strikes again. And again. And again.

Internet friends, the only thing "going around" this store is bullshit.

These cashiers are spoiled. They do not know how good they have it.

They should go work in a place where they are "coached" every time they say "Have a good day!" Instead of "Have a GREAT day!" Or a place where they are written up if their average hourly sale is $45.11 instead of $45.25. Or maybe they would enjoy working for a place where they are assigned an impossible number of tasks to accomplish in an impossible amount of time and then yelled at when they were not completed, instead of being asked to price items "when you get a chance" and NOT yelled at when the same order sits incomplete on the counter for three days.

My disaffected coworkers are kind of ruining my new job for me. I am just trying to ignore the grouchy ones and not feel too irritated when I am called in to cover for them. Hopefully they will be fired soon.

10:03am: I am so tired. My new job is kicking my ass. The actual work is easy, but I am unaccustomed to standing on my feet all day and my back is now officially gimpy again. Today is my day off but they just called me and asked if I could come in today. I had a feeling they would do that. I don't want to, being gimpy and also having to take the stupid bus because our stupid car is dead.

My new job is fun, but I have to say that so far I prefer to be unemployed.

1:48pm: Nothing ruins my day like having to deal with anything car-related. Our fucking car is burning oil. I sat at Grease Monkey for an hour while they flushed it out and replaced the sludgy oil residue with fresh oil, but I'm sure I'm going to have to go in and do it again in a few weeks because this is becoming a regular thing. We just took it to the fucking dealership to have something done to it so it wouldn't continue to leak oil from the head gasket or whatever and now it's just straight up burning off the oil. I of course know nothing about cars so this could be a totally normal standard car thing to do or it could be a sign that our car is falling apart. I have no idea, although I'm guessing that it's not normal for a car to burn off an entire tank's worth of oil in less than a month. I tried to ask the guy why our car would be doing that but it apparently could be "a lot of things." I take that to mean "a lot of EXPENSIVE things." I hate everything to do with cars, especially the part where I hemorrhage money that I would rather spend on other things like, oh, ANYTHING ELSE.

Our car only has 83,000 miles on it. The things I discovered in my internet search about cars burning oil was not pleasant. At all. So I'm guessing we are going to have to take it back to the dealership and let them sexually assault our bank account again.

Ugh. I hate everything about cars.

2:57pm: I cleaned my bathroom today. I actually used a toothbrush. The difference is amazing.

I was going to clean the kitchen floor today but the bathroom took me two hours and frankly it was a workout. Oh what the hell. Maybe I'll do it anyway.

I have this weird, uncharacteristic desire to organize and scrub every corner of my house. I mean every corner. The cats are alarmed.

1:21pm: So I just had an interview at a coffee place in Ballard, and I think that the interview went really well, except for one answer that I botched. He asked me what the three most important aspects of being a barista were, and I said some really good things, but realized on the way home that I failed to mention the most obvious answer, which is "make perfect coffee." Doh. He didn't correct me or anything, and seemed to like my answers, so maybe the fact that we had been talking about the specifics of making coffee right before he asked me means he assumed it was a given? Oh, well.

Other than that, I think I did well, dare I say even great. It was an open interview, and there were about twenty people there. The ad said to be there any time between 11 and 1, and the owner didn't show up until almost noon. It was no big deal to me, since I had nothing else to do and they provided free coffee to all of us waiting, but some of the people were getting mad and making dumb comments that the staff overheard. Badmouthing the owner of the company in the hearing of his employees is very stupid. I just relaxed, drank my delicious free coffee and graciously offered to let everyone else go before me (conveniently landing me that last and most memorable interview spot! Ha!).

I tried to chat up my fellow interviewees to break the tension, but it was grim. Everyone was sizing up the competition and asking desperate questions like, "How much coffee experience do you have? How much do you think they pay? How long have you been looking for a job?" So I just gave up and checked out.

I think I would really like working there. I just sent a follow-up email, and while I hope it pans out I won't be crushed if it doesn't. Talking to all of those hard-up people today made me realize how difficult it is for everyone looking for employment and reminded me that I am not desperate for a job and can take my time to find one that is a good fit. I'm reworking my barista cover letter with some of the things that came up in my interview. If nothing else comes of today, at least now I know what people hiring for coffee jobs are looking for and I can give them some of that up front and hopefully have better chances at interviews.

Ah, optimism. Such an elusive feeling. I'm sure in an hour I will be sobbing my tear ducts dry, but for now I feel calm and fortunate.

2:53pm: Dear Sun: You have until September 22nd and then it is time to GTFO. I want to wear my sweaters and tights. I am tired of wearing sunscreen and tying to convince people to hire me whilst pouring sweat. Please go back to California where you are from.

kthx

4:53pm: I'm writing my tenth cover letter of the day. You know, I'm almost starting to enjoy it and I think I'm getting better at it. It's kind of fun to research the different companies and highlight my relevant skills... and then sit at home crying because I don't get called in for an interview. Oh, well.

Actually, I just saw a job posting for my old job, so I feel more confident that I will have an opportunity there if I need it. I'm still hoping to find something else, but if nothing turns up by the end of the month then I'll be happy to head back.

I kind of go back and forth about whether I want to work there or not. I think that as far as retail jobs go, I may as well work there as anywhere else. It isn't going to be worse than any other retail job, and it will be better in some ways. I would prefer an office job, or a seasonal job of some kind so that I can seamlessly return to school in January, but really I just want to work to bulk up our savings, and the sooner I get started somewhere the better.

BUT I don't want to jump the gun too soon, so I'm giving myself a few more weeks to see what happens.

Wow that was long and rambling.

3:27pm: I'm really glad I spent forty-five minutes straightening my hair, only to have it revert to its annoying waviness in less than an hour. I can think of about two hundred more entertaining ways to waste time.

12:04pm: It's funny because the place I'm interviewing at was one of the last places I applied to yesterday when my spirit and energy was flagging. This was my "cover letter":

Hello!

I'm interested in learning more about the seasonal customer service position posted on Craigslist. I have extensive experience in retail, office, and call center environments, and am looking for a temporary position to work this fall. I have attached a copy of my resume, and if you feel I would be a good fit for this position please contact me for an interview. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Lori

I think I'm just going to copy and paste that for every job I apply to from now on.

10:55am: I am slightly embarrassed by all my moaning and groaning last night. I got a call from a very nice lady today and have an interview at 2:30. I think I have managed to put together an acceptable, if not a spectacular, interview outfit. I'm perusing the company website to get information and I hope that this will pan out because it sounds like a place that I might actually enjoy working at. Also, it's seasonal, which is what I was hoping for.

Can I wear this to an interview:
Black pencil skirt
Black tights
Camel cashmere sweater (long sleeved, v-neck)
(with something underneath... beige cami? or a colorful t-shirt like blue or purple?)

I do not own a single collared shirt, which would work perfectly with this outfit.

I am considering straightening my hair but I am still not good at it and it could look terrible. Good thing I have new make-up I bought at Bloomingdale's in New York. At least that is in my favor.

1:46am: Job Search Pity Party
I spent all day applying for jobs and just now realized that I have no work clothes, nor do I have any appropriate clothes for an interview. I guess I'll cross that bridge if anyone actually calls me.

I'm hoping to get on at gweana's company but if that doesn't pan out and I don't get any offers or leads in the next few weeks I will look into returning to the pet food store. I know (well, I hope I know) that I can go back there at any time, but I was hoping to find something that pays more. There was a lot of bullshit there that I was hoping to never have to deal with again, but after reading all of these job descriptions, writing a billion cover letters and filling out applications with stupid questions, it is starting to seem like maybe not such a bad place to work. Certainly better than going to an interview, putting on some shit-eating face and trying to sound sincere when answering the question, "Why do you want to work here?" only to not be hired.

The truth is that I do not want to work at any of the places I am qualified for.

I'm trying not to feel bitter, but after my ego-bruising job search day Cole came home. His phone rang, and he answered it. It was a recruiter. HELLO COLE IS NOT EVEN LOOKING FOR A JOB. People just call him spontaneously to offer him employment.

I know that I am the problem, that I have a bad attitude and an unjustifiable superiority complex and I should accept that my job skills are limited and will bring in the corresponding limited income. This is a terrible time to try to transfer my skills to another field because for every job I apply for there are dozens of other applicants with degrees, experience, a better cover letter, a more professional appearance... or just a greater willingness to be employed.

I am actually kind of afraid to try to get my job back at the pet food store. What if they don't have a place for me anymore? Then I am really fucked.

Well, at least I could pass a drug screening now.

10:40am: Update!
So there is nothing wrong with Lola may, which I am really happy about although I wish it had not cost $270 to find out. She may have had an issue with her anal glands (I didn't even know cats had those), because they expressed them at the vet and she's been fine ever since.

It was really fun having my sister and brother-in-law here for a visit. My sister and I had a nice long commiserating chat about our family. They only stayed a few days, but may be staying here another night on their way up. It might be while I'm in New York though.

Speaking of which, NEW YORK!!! In FOUR DAYS!!! I'm so excited I can't stand it. Even with a very limited budget (thanks, Lola May) I am going to have a great time because I am traveling with my lovely friend gweana. We are definitely visiting Central Park, the Met and the site of the unfortunate Twin Towers, and are also planning to make a quick sweep of Times Square and Grand Central Station, Bloomingdale's and Macy's, and potential visits to the Guggenheim or the American Museum of Natural History. We decided to skip the Statue of Liberty because, well, we already know what it looks like and touring it would eat up too much of our precious time.

Depending on where our wanderings take us, we will be visiting St. Mark's and Stuyvesant St., some old cemeteries, and 14 W. 23rd St, the birthplace of Edith Wharton, now home to a Starbucks (an incredibly painful discovery).

In researching other potential Edith Wharton places to visit, I discovered the Pavillon Colombe, where she died in France, and have already planned an entire trip around visiting it. Apparently, tourism is my one true love.

3:07pm: Just got back from the vet. Lola May does not appear to have a UTI, which is good, but she does have abnormally shaped genitalia which could make it difficult for her to urinate properly (which could be why she occasionally pees outside of her litterbox). She had a fever of 103 something, which is on the high side. She also has a small lesion next to her lady parts, which could be nothing. The vet ran some tests to rule out pancreatitis (WTF?), and we'll know for sure in a couple of days.

She gave me medicine to increase Lola's appetite, since she is somewhat underweight (but I might just switch to feeding Lola her favorite foods all the time to see if that helps first) and some sample foods (which have horrible ingredients so I won't be using those).

I hope, hope, hope that my poor kitten does not have pancreatitis. I have been on the verge of tears since my vet said that word.

Adding to the stress, I got a text from my sister informing me that she and her husband would probably be here tonight instead of tomorrow. They are driving down from Alaska so I knew their arrival date was approximate, but I thought it would be later instead of earlier. COMMENCE TOTAL FREAKING OUT NOW, mainly because the house is an unholy disaster. Aaaaagh why does everything happen at once?!

10:15am: I'm taking Lola May to the vet today. She hasn't really been eating the last couple of days (although that could be because she doesn't like the food... she's a bit picky) and Cole saw what may have been discharge from her bottom. Ew. I hope my little kitty is going to be OK. She is currently tearing around the house terrorizing Kitty so I'm pretty sure she's not feeling too bad, but it's always hard to tell with cats.